Sunday, June 10, 2012

I’m in the North Woods now

Well, me an’ the boys were doin’ a little up-north walk-about when we decided the air was dry and the whiskey was wet. Therefore, we parked the 4-wheel drive an sauntered into a place with a moose tied outside. He must have been a well trained moose cause he didn’t move an inch when we walked by. He looked kind of concrete if you know what I mean. Inside there were fish and bear and Linda. All of em stuffed. The difference bein’ Linda was stuffed with ‘north of 64 wisdom’.
Linda- “What you doin’ here?”
Us- “Backpacking. There any bears out there?”
“Watch out for the fishers. They’re a cross between a wolverine and a badger. The DNR crossed them by breedin’ them together to control the porcupines. An they only eat the heads! Ain’t that right Norb?” she nodded to the waiter, who was dressed in an Iron Maiden jacket with the elbows worn through and a black cowboy hat with Lucky Stripes in the band. And an apron.
“Is that right?” I said.
“That’s how you tell a fisher did it. An if you see a porky with the head all gnawed off, you run until the woods don’t go any farther.”
“That’s good advice Linda. We’re going to need to trade in this bear spay for some fisher spray.”
“I ain’t got no idea where you get spray that’ll stop a fisher,” she paused, “You boys want to eat? We got the best fish fry and the best ribs in the north woods. We got chewy ribs and fall off the bone ribs, both of then real good. My son loves our ribs. Course now he’s livin’ in Lansing. He’s tryin’ to be a professional golfer, so he’s driving a lawnmower.”
Norm, the waiter said to get the fish.
I said, “Why did we get the fish?” after Linda went in the back with our order.
“If you want the ‘fall off the bone’ style ribs, they send Linda in the back and she chews em first.”
After that we escaped to the woods and got robbed by backpack-hole-chewing chipmunks that the DNR must have bred to starve out city slicker types. An then one night deep in the woods just before dusk we heard a small voice far far away yell, HELP! We sprang into action and we found Jill.
US- “Are you okay?
Jill- “Yes, but I’m lost.”
“That can happen, where’s your camp?”
“I’m staying at the Badger campsite.”
“Isn’t that where the survivalist training camp is?”
“Yeah,” Jill replied. “I went to the bathroom, and then I saw the pretty flowers and then I got lost. That was--- five hours ago.”
We gave her water and took her back to camp, where Ranger Bob must have stood right beside her whenever she peed.
The big woods is still an adventure.

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